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Feb. 5th, 2009 | 05:41 pm

yes, now that my acting class is officially over and done with, i am left with unfulfilled dreams of memorizing lines from a woeful saga in a perfect manner, like the one i picked for my monologue, see if you know where this is from:

A story like mine should never be told.

For my world is as forbidden as it is fragile,

Without its mysteries it cannot survive.

I certainly wasn't born to the life of a Geisha

Like so much in my strange life I was carried there by the current.

The first time I knew my mother was sick,

was when my father threw the fish back into the sea.

That night we went hungry, to understand emptiness he told us.

Mother always said that my sister Satsu was like wood.

As rooted to the earth as a Sagura tree. But she told me I was like water.

Water can carve its way, even through stone.

And when trapped,water makes a new path.

Except, that during my actual recitement of the chosen monologue, i forgot the lines, got incredibly nervous and had to stand in silence while the rest of the students looked on and the instructor gave me a look of pity as in, "hmmm...what a waste of a beautiful monologue, she must've just memorized it today." it was the most unfortunate circumstance and i never want to suffer through that humiliation again. altho' at the same time ironically enough, i felt that i was stripped naked without anything else to prove - the ultimate freeing experience.

So, maybe acting wasn't exactly for me, but at least I started the New Year with something unpredictible. Speaking of which, I got food-poisoning this week. Not fun, puked up everything I took in, so I think I've lost a few pounds in the last week and look sickly and fragile but perhaps more willowy, enticing and sexy? We'll try this look and see how it serves me.

Have a 2nd date of the year this sunday with a totally opposite of teacher boy from previous post, this one is loud, aggressive, and not afraid to keep calling even after my not getting back to him. Why not, I told myself? Any guy that persistent deserves a chance! I will try it again without any expectations.

Job is ending in less than 4 weeks at which time I will be a free bird (and an unemployed one). We'll see where life takes me next.

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Better late than never: 2009 goals

Jan. 24th, 2009 | 05:23 pm

Here are my "non-resolutions" for the new year. The reason they are not resolutions is because they are some new goals i'd like to add to my life in general. It's a working toward the betterment of self, not an excuse to go to the gym, wanting to get fit but then giving up after a few weeks.

1. Less is more.
Refuse material things, organize existing stuff, utilize technology & digital stuff to simplify/make my life easier.

2. Hang out less with negative people, or people that do not challenge me.
Intentionally build relationships and friendships with positive, energetic people, people that i can learn from and be inspired by, and people that I admire and want to be like.

3. Write more.
Simply. Just write more. No outcome, no perfection. Just more thoughts on paper.

Small phrases, big goals. Let's see how I do!

What are yours?

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Jan. 23rd, 2009 | 02:58 pm

I need to memorize a 1.5 to 2 minute monologue for my acting class.

Can you think of any good monologues from movies that's age, gender appropriate for me? (female, 20-30's, asian american- optional)

Let those suggestions come rollin' in!

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lessons in honesty

Jan. 17th, 2009 | 08:58 am

2009 started with fresh ideas and activities. i made no obvious new year resolutions. instead, i signed up for acting class and sessions with a career counselor. my spontaneity is coming out and i need the chance to explore and get to know my most authentic self.

so far, i'm learning about honesty. when they say it's the best policy, there was no disclaimer that it also the hardest, most humbling thing you can do. in the past, when in doubt, i always chose to be silent and ignore instead of speaking the truth. but now, it's changing slowly and i'm left to ponder if i'm doing the right thing and if i can handle the consequences of each "honest confession".

in december, i confronted a coworker. she was proud, self-righteous and moody towards me and i sat her aside and asked her to change her attitude and be more respectful. the result was her getting upset, verbally attacking me and saying some unprofessional and uncalled for things. i decided to take it to hr and as a result, she was written up for it and got a warning. now our relationship has soured and it's been very awkward to work with her. it's unfortunate but i do not regret my actions as i was true to myself. now i just have to learn how to manage in weird situations. 1.5 more months at this job so at least that's how much longer i have to deal with it. i hope i can leave on a good note as well as think of how to salvage what's left of our coworker-ship.

i spent time with a group of girls for nye and it was a disaster. i didn't enjoy my time because i felt so alone. those girls didn't know much about me and what's worse, in a nitch, i was forced in a situation to confess something that's deeply valuable to me but without the chance to have them to understand what made up my value system. booze, drinking games, lipstick, fancy hotelrooms, and dancing sure doesn't automatically make you the best of friends. i found out that much is true. but i'm left thinking about what more i could've done or said to not make myself feel so empty on that night.

in the first day of acting class we each had to give a 2 minute quick summary of our life story. daunting right? i got up there, sweaty palms and all and proceeded to verbally jump through the years of my life starting with the exact month, date, and year i was born. that, ladies and gentleman, is the first time i verbally told anyone i just met, just exactly how old i am. you see, i've never really come to terms with aging or my age in comparison to my looks, and i used to say a white lie (this was a long time ago) when people asked. but something clicked that day after i came clean right away. there was no reaction, i felt vulnerable yes... but it felt nice to tell the truth.

lastnight i sat down and built a case for why i wanted to travel in front of my mom. my job ends in 1.5 months and i wanted her blessing to send me off as i travel in asia for a few weeks. it was tough to have to explain myself to her, especially when you feel defensive and you think the receiving party doesn't understand. but that doesn't stop you from trying your hardest, being patience and explaining away. at the end, she understood, and got excited for me as well. parents are a tough one because no matter how old you get they still treat you like a child. but honesty will help even if you think it won't.

so.. what have i been learning? honesty is hard, takes lots of work, and takes having to take your expectations away. it takes you "selling" your thoughts to someone else and risking ridicule. but you sow big and you reap big. sometimes the best situation is after your confession, you're not prepared for the positive feedback and results... of course, it could go the other way too. that's the whole point.

i'm learning that there's nothing i can do to control how someone else acts or reacts, all i can control is me. and as long as i'm honest with myself and being true to who i am, that's all i need to worry about. and finally, just let go and trust that even if it's not working out right now, it'll all work out at some point, because the truth prevails!

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Discontentment, Contentment and Marriage

Dec. 10th, 2008 | 10:21 am

There's a French proverb that says:

"What makes us discontented with our condition is the absurdly exaggerated idea we have of the happiness of others."

There's also a Chinese proverb which says:

"There is a difficult script to be cited in each household."

What true statements! I often find myself musing at the seemingly perfect lives of others, only to find out later that they are not as perfect as they look.

Lastnight I visited my newlywed friends K and A in the South Bay. They were sweet, gracious, and great hosts. I don't usually make it a habit to hang out with married couples, I guess due to the fact that creatures of likeness normally hang out together. But I did enjoy my time with those two lastnight. I felt at ease and content sitting in that dinner table eating their homemade pizza and oxtail soup and chatting about our perpendicular lives. It felt like home. I felt happy and cared for. Perhaps that's what marriage is about, belonging and contentment. Perhaps it's not perfection they seek, just support and understanding.

I walked away with some new holiday cookie recipes and advice from the couple. It was a nice glimpse of a peaceful married life.

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missed connections

Nov. 17th, 2008 | 09:54 pm

do you ever read the "missed connections" section of craigslist hoping one of the postings is about you.

well, today, i thought this one was.

maybe, almost, but i guess i didn't go grocery shopping lastnight. so close!

still, it would've been nice if it really was meant for me. it would've been comforting to know that someone noticed me in the big universe, enough to post about it, and to know that even tho' i can be oblivious to others in the little squares of life that i call my own, that i'm still leaving a mark somehow.

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"the art of travel is to deviate from the current plan."

Nov. 15th, 2008 | 01:09 am

perhaps the only way to find oneself is to lose oneself completely.

only when you are at the point of reckless abandon, is when you can begin to see everything so clearly. freedom is gained only when you are not afraid to lose all that you have.

for two weeks, i traveled back to my home country. to find those lost dreams, to search for the places that occur in my subconscious, to revisit the realms that continue to haunt my dreams. it was wonderful and indescribable. i felt so much passion. my soul searched for meaning tirelessly as i became one with the crowded streets of beijing, exploring the culture, the people and all the idiosyncrasies day in and day out. and i can literally say that i felt so much that i haven't felt in a long time. i felt so alive.

i am back now in oakland, and the vividness is fading again as reality sinks in deeper and deeper everyday. everything has lost it's meaning once again, and i feel more lost than ever. i feel the meaning that i've found in the last two weeks has escaped me. or maybe i am now more clear than ever before, and i need to just trust that this false sense of "loss" is only a part of the soul-searching process, my emotions are just going to the necessary stages to bloom and fester to a greater level, and finally, after going through all the stages to maturation, will finally grow to an unshakable solidity. and finally become something within me that nothing in this world will ever take away.

there is a fine line between being lost and being found. freedom and bondage. crossing to the other side of loneliness and fear is a new world that i will not dare imagine. what awaits me is limitless hope and dreams.

do i dare go there? that is the only question.

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(no subject)

Jul. 17th, 2008 | 06:26 pm

i just realized something. maybe part of the reason i have been so unhappy at work is due to the fact that i'm a split in the middle between an artist and a business person.

an artist will always strive for perfection and flawless asethetics. they take hours upon hours to create that masterpiece. time is irelevant to them as they are in that zone, they are not limited by time and operate in their own chaotic way.

a business person looks for improved processes and efficiency. they strive for doing something in the shortest time possible achieving the best results. they organize throughout the day and come up with better ways to organize and jam pack everything from their schedule to their wallet to their projects to their meetings.

the two are completely at odds with each other and cannot coexist.

i am so torn between the two. i fight this same battle everyday. can the two coexist within me and live in peace?

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why life is like putting together a bookcase

Jun. 20th, 2008 | 10:38 am
mood: bouncybouncy

it's week two in the new pad and i'm really liking it. don't get me wrong, there are new challenges i have to face everyday due to the move.

the drive to work is a longer commute, not so much in time but a whopping 18 mile distance each way, and with the gas prices, that's definitely not the most ideal situation.

it feels isolating at first. since i don't know the area very well yet, every attempt to venture out can be either scary or adventurous depending on how i look at it. two nights ago, i took a walk down the pier of jack london square by the dock. the sun was setting so beautifully against the calm waters, the boats were neatly docked against the shore, people were out and about enjoying dinner by the bay, walking their dogs, or a scenic stroll just like me. i was alone, and felt a wave of loneliness, wouldn't it be nice to have someone's hand to hold, or someone's ear to whisper secrets to. but i quickly shrugged it off, i am a loner and that's my lot, so i must accept it and move on and discover what it has in store for me. the bookstore cured all my blues and i walked home in the dark with three brandnew paperbacks in toll. one light-hearted fiction about a woman conquering an unconventional "to-do" list, one inspirational devotion for bedtime, one self improvement read on how to set up your life doing what you love, and only what you love.

being here represents the advancement to another level of embracing complete independence. as an only child, i've never lived too far away from my parents and have always known they'd be there for me, maybe not so much emotionally but definitely for help and support in the physical sense. this time around, the move was completely my decision and it is paying off my independence big time. i'm growing by leaps and bounds(okay, call me a late bloomer). lastnight i made huge strides by hauling an extremely heavy, over 50 pound box from my car to my 4th floor apartment all by myself! okay, i had help for the last 5 feet when my friendly neighbors jackie and tommy (yep, another jackie) happened to run into me and saw me huffing and puffing. not a pretty sight.

then, i spent all evening trying to put the darn thing together. when target sells you a $40 bookcase, don't be jumping with joy about the steal! think about the time and brains and carpentry expertise involved in it! apparently i found out the hard way as i agonized for hours on which peg goes where, flipping the wooden pieces back and forth, dragging the darn thing to my room, almost got knocked out by the case as it almost fell apart after i spent hours on it, hurt my thumb, used substitute stuff for hammering purposes... sigh... the life of an independent "girly" girl trying to do manly stuff just doesn't sound like my idea of a good time.

but, all that said, at 11:15pm, wah lah! the bookcase was finally put together and all my boxes of books were neatly organized on to it! all the heartache and frustration was worth it after all. i even thought of an analogy about life from the experience.

why life is like putting together a bookcase?

- you may start off thinking it's going to be easy
(just put some parts together, "no hardware tools needed" says the message on the box of the bookcase)

- you think you have it all planned out
(how hard can it be? it's like stacking a game of jenga)

- but when you get into it
(on my livingroom floor sweating and suffering rug burn on my knees)

- you realize you can't do it alone
(such times calls for a nice bf, or i'll settle for some positive affirming cheers!)

- you need help (i can't do this by myself, even the manual says requires two!)

- you get unexpected help (neighbors)

- may not know why you're given all the parts
(do i really need so many pegs and nuts and screws)

- but you will need all the parts for the upcoming tasks
(ah, so this goes in here!)

- trust in each direction
(what page was i on again.. darn this stupid instruction book)

- follow the guides
(okay, on to page 6, almost done here)

- use your head
(why doesn't this go here, oh.. i need to tighten it more)

- be patient (tell myself to slowdown, it's fine, take a break and eat a bite of pizza)

- don't beat yourself up when you make a mistake
(yikes.. this is not working!)

- don't give up (should i take it all apart and start over?)

- and enjoy the ride
(this would be fun if i wasn't trying too hard and had a beer in hand).

the end

- a more humbling attitude toward life (wow, it's harder than i thought but i was able to do it with help and constant attitude check)

- a happy content life where you can look back and see a nice production as an added bonus (the bookcase is complete! and i did it! sitting back on my bed and admiring my handywork).

if i can just get through work today and bite the bullets coming from all directions (again!), a nice little party will be awaiting me at home as i play the part of the hostess along with the roomie!

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take the bad with the good

Jun. 11th, 2008 | 01:09 pm
mood: confusedconfused

Bad - a potential 45 minute commute and more $$$ on gas.

Good - having a brand new neighborhood to explore.

Bad - work drama, confrontations, and dealing with _____ people.

Good - having a fun,flexible, altho' unpredictable work environment.

Bad - learning the hard way, by making mistakes and making a fool of myself.

Good - learning to be strong and good managerial skills.

Bad - the unknown, and strangers, and not having friends that live closeby.

Good - an ultra-cool roomie who along with her friend, think i bear a good resemblance to this chipper, powerful lady of the fashion industry.

it's always a whirlwind in the life of gubaby and i guess i really wouldn't have it any other way!

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